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A Question of Ethics: Death in the Family

It seems like every time one of us goes in, the community faces criticism and anger from the world at large.

Worse, though, is the criticism leveled at us by the family and friends of our fallen companion. At exactly the same time that we are mourning the death of our jumping partner and friend, we have to deal with the accusations and rage of our partner’s friends.

How could we avoid this “second strike”?

I believe that responsibility dictates that each of us explain ourselves, our sport and our motivations to our families. We owe this to the sport, and to our jumping mates.

This is obviously an extremely difficult proposition. Facing your family with your decision to engage in a life-threatening activity cannot be easy. But the rewards of having this discussion with them are huge, both for yourself and for the sport of BASE jumping.

First, an honest, open discussion with your loved ones will make them feel more included in your decisions. They will generally be more impressed with the maturity and thought that has gone into your decision to jump. This can help avoid the arguments, tantrums, and guilt trips that might otherwise be thrown at you by family and friends who don’t understand.

Second, a frank explanation could convert some of your family and friends into allies of the BASE community at large. Motivating our family and friends to understand and appreciate BASE may not lead to legal changes, but it is certainly a step in the right direction.

And third, an explanation, by you, that you understand and accept the risks involved, will help prevent your family from attacking other members of the BASE community in the event of your injury or death.

I believe that it is the responsibility of every BASE jumper to explain BASE to their family, to make sure that their family understands the risks inherent in the sport, and to tell their family that they have chosen to take those risks of their own free will.

Might be hijacking your thread here a little Faber, but I guess Tom will move it if he thinks its worth a new thread.


Hmmm... I'm really struggling with this question at the moment.

I'm booked on a FJC early in the new year, and I have been debating whether I should tell the family for a couple of months now. They all accept the skydiving, although I know it worries my mum - fortunately she is the sort of person who just wants her kids to be happy, so doesn't try to dissuade me - she is happy that I'm happy. And I know she wouldn't take it further if anything happened (i.e. legally).

I've told my sister that I plan to BASE, but reading your post I'm now thinking that it is probably unfair on her if anything were to happen; she then has to break the news to the whole family...

My dilemma is: if I tell my mum/brother/dad, they will then just worry about me all the time (I was at the cinema with my brother the other day, and there was a brief clip of a wingsuit BASE jump as a part of an advert, and I heard him under his breath: "Bloody idiot."..... Not sure if he will be entirely receptive to the news )

The main point of Tom's post seems to be the possible fallout on the BASE community if you don't tell your family. I don't think my family would cause a problem in that way - they are very aware that I know the risks I am taking, although this is in relation to skydiving.

If I tell them, they will worry. A lot. But if I don't, and something happens.... I don't know which is worse for them. And am I being unfair on my sister? (insert lewd comment here)

813, I remember you had family issues when you first started - how is it now?

Sorry, long post. If you have read this far, any advice is appreciated...

A long time ago I was going to a seminar at a certain hotel in the big city and I thought it would be a great excuse to take my rig along and make a jump after the business meeting/dinner... I jumped incidently, in a suit and tie...

I didn't really think too much of it so when I was talking to my mum I told her I was going to be at this meeting and I was taking my rig... It was only after I'd done the jump and been back a couple of days that I found out she had not been able to sleep the night I was there for worrying about me...

After that I decided not to tell her when I was going to do a jump... In fact when I broke my hip I was able to hide it from the family for about 4-6 weeks, but eventually someone let it slip and then I was in trouble again...

Sometimes you can't win...

Voila!


Do you think you will be able to hide it from them forever? If you can, then I think you could be ok doing this. But if not, then they are going to find out sometime. Better that they find out from a happy, healthy, excited you, than that they find out from a broken you, or from a friend of yours, or from the police... (you get the idea). Letting them find out like that seems pretty unfair to them, and I'd bet it will be far harder on your relationship with them.


Are you absolutely positive?

I guess what it comes down to, for me, is that there is a real, non-zero possibility that any of us will die BASE jumping. Since I cannot eliminate that possibility, I cannot guarantee that my family will never learn of my participation in the sport. Therefore I must tell them, both for their sake and for the sports sake. To do otherwise would be to ask others (both my family and my jumping friends) to shoulder a burden that is entirely, and by choice, my own.

Hello,
I started skydiving 22 years ago, the family knew I was "crazy".
15 years ago, some family started coming to the DZ to watch.
10 years ago, I started BASE jumping, it was back to "crazy".
After a couple years, my brother got involved in ground crew,
then I had my 6 year old daughter out on the big green one.
When we had events there, my parents, my sister and her
half dozen children all came out to watch, I even got my Dad
out on the cat-walk with my own kid.
My wife has been on 100 BASE trips, including one where she
was the 'Ambulance' driver, (my bad).
I got my Mom to do a tandem skydive for her 60th birthday,
my daughter went tandem on her 13th, a nephew on his 18th.
Get them involved!
My family knows that BASE/skydiving is what I do for a LIVING.

yes I had trouble with family issues. A close member of my family would not talk to me and another close member was cold toward me and would not mention my new found love. I sat one down and explained why I was doing this - and the other I wrote a long description on the feelings and reasons I was doing this. Now my family except it (or so they show me) but have recently found out that their acceptance is just show - they are still really worried but wont show me this worry.........


its fucking funny how people react to what you do...................... Im still trying to work it out!

Mac as i talked to your mom,she sure sounded worryed about you BASEjumping,but im sure you has here respect.Give her a hug from me,i know she miss the cracy dane

yeah dude she is looking forward to meeting you again!!! but as you say - i know she is worried......... i just hope with time it gets easier for her to accept............ just dont tell them the gnarly shit and they having nothing to think about!!!

Thanks guys...

I think the summary of what we have so far is: tell them, just don't tell them when. Which is probably what I'll do...

Not only that.. You also want to tell them , that this is an action you has desided to do, and therefore no one can be blamed afterwards if somthing happens...

Not that i think it woud happen,but i told my family that if i die skydiving or BASE,they will have to acsepr the fact that im gone,that they should NOT make a fight against the comunity im in,as i love this sport and would be a sad guy to see if they ruined somthing..I even told them who to contact(ie i make some solos here and there),both to tell that i has left ,but also so they might can find out what presisly happened.

Again i dont like the idea of me dying or geting hurt,but im playing a game where i could be so.Therefore its to me werry important that i has told what i fell about it.

last thing i would have were familiy and freinds fighting each other over my dead(hint hint).Just face that i then were gone and that i had a happy life

ofcourse i expect that the right persons would tell and show my kids who their dad were.
I think the video there were made for Lukas were a beautiful thing to do,if im right a greenie here around is making about another jumper right now(sorry if im wrong).

YES! You should definitely tell your family and anyone else who cares about you. Can you imagine what it would be like for them if they had to find out because someone called to tell them you were dead or seriously injured??? To not tell them would be irresponsible on your part, towards them and towards the people you jump with. Think about it - if you don't have the balls to face your loved ones and tell them you are BASE jumping, then should you really be BASE jumping at all??? Moms are gonna worry no matter what you do, but I'll bet she would rather know what you are doing than find out later that you were keeping something from her...

I disagree Keely. If there's one regret that I have it's that I told anyone I BASE jumped. That applies to family and professional life.

Not everyone is as broadminded as the people on this forum. Even those who accept skydiving often have problems with BASE. Ask the USPA or BPA.

My parents worried themselves sick until I told them I quit. I'm less concerned about lying to them than I am about their well being.

It takes all sorts I guess. The real question is not whether you should or shouldn't tell them but have you considered the implications either way in sufficient detail to be confident in your chosen approach.

First and foremost my parents want me to be safe. I've already disregarded that. As things are, we all sleep just fine at night. That's as good as I hope for until something bad happens.

This is a good thread to keep current. The subject is required reading for folks considering BASE.

Skin.

Yeah and there are other times when you might not want to tell either...

Yeah well like if you're going out to the bars and picking up chicks, then taking then over to the nearest 10-story building to show em how you can jump off with your skydiving rig, it's probably not good to tell your family... Or if you're hearing about bridges and then going to jump em without looking over the edge to actually see if they're more than 100 ' high, it's probably not a good idea to tell em'... Or if you like doing things to small animals - oh, well, that's another subject I guess.....

But an important one nonetheless.

S.

Late response...


You are right, I'm sure I won't... I was thinking that it might be better if I told them after a few jumps - they then see that I've done it haven't died, so maybe its not as bad as their mis-conceptions tell them it is.... but perhaps that is the Ostrich approach to the problem.


Can you ever be? Although I'm pretty sure... they are generally open minded, and don't tend have strong opinions on how other people want to conduct their lives. It is purely a "why you?" situation. Nice to know someone loves you, eh?


Totally agree with that. In fact, I told my brother this weekend; he definitely wasn't happy, and asked why a lot (and didn't really understand my reasons), but he accepts that it is my choice.


This has been an interesting process. It seems there are many good reasons for telling your family, both for them and for the sport. But I think the most valuable thing for me is that it has put me in a position of having to really question my reasons - when its your family asking the questions, I think you will soon discover if your reasons are good enough or if you have perhaps been kidding yourself.
I recommend to anyone who is thinking about BASE, and thinks they are ready, to share the info with someone who is close (best if this is not a skydiver or BASE jumper), as it puts your reasons under a scrutiny that you probably won't get by talking to other sky/BASE jumpers, or even to yourself. Just my £0.011828

Someone tell a joke, this thread is getting depressing

My Aunt stood with my 2 cousins in front of me and asked how I felt knowing that 2 young children will be attending my funeral............ this i felt was bang out of order. She did not talk to me about it for around about a year - but I showed her some video and she also read something about the reasons I did it and she suddenly realised that we were not gung ho cocaine sniffing point break wankers out not giving a shit about life ......... she saw the video and did not realise how "understanted we were" - we were not whooping and shouting she could see that we were scared.......... this kinda put her mind at rest and dispelled the "opinion" she had of people that do this......... if anything she compared it to skydiving videos where we are loud and messing around in the plane and thought it good I had become more sensible!!! funny how perceptions are to the unknown!

I argree with Skin - the worst thing I did I was tell people what I do........... its best just kept to yourself! (but close family)

I jump with someone who has not told their parents and I had him write a letter should he go in to explain to them everything - I have this letter and will only read it and give it to them should he frappe. I could envisage me getting a world of shit should that occur from them so if he did not want to tell them he should at least write them a letter. Saying this I also have a letter that should I go in explains things to family and friends and also what should happen to my kit, pocessions and what I want at my funeral........... there is a possiblity of death - but I want that to be as easy for my mother as possible............

funny thing is whilst all the grief was happening my mother ended up in hospital for with plates and pins and almost lost her foot - this from a horse riding accident that my aunt and my little cousins partake in - funny that they did not get freaked by the dangers associated with that pastime!

Hypocrites!

As for reasons - I kinda know why I do this - but I dont need to tell people the reasons - I get something from it that makes me happy internally - thats all that they need to know...............

People are selfish if they want you to stop something that makes you happy........... maybe just as selfish as you doing it..............

maybe...........

Have Fun Ivan........... just have fun!!

Excellent advice dude, thanks (what was the rest that bollocks about?)

fuck knows!!! I went off on one!!!

Think in the end - fuck em! - just do what you have to do to be happy............... (but not if it envloves farm yard animals! - thats cruel!!)

If you rode mountain bikes every weekend, or scuba dive all the time, or snow ski a lot, or drove race cars for a living, or if you hunt turkey in the fall.......would you tell your family then?

People die in every sport. Tell your family to deal with it.

Sonny Bono smacked a friggin' tree on his snow skiis and died. Should my family be worried when I ski also?

Cya.

i briefly said that i had told my grandparents in the BASE/Family thread, only because I live with them. i plan on sharing with the rest when the time is right, or if its brought up somehow, but other than that i don't see any reason to make a huge announcement about it.

jason, i second that emotion. however i do believe its important to let folks close to you know whats going on in your life, whatever sport/hobby it may be.

Now you tell me.



...i'll get me coat.

If you had the coordination and judgement of Sonny Bono - yes they should. His careful consideration of consequences led him to shack up with Miss Shagplasty.



PS I would never admit to my family that I score turkey.

Amazing! It appears that experence has some bearing on knowledge....

I told my mum tonight that I will BASE , and after the initial "why?" she said she was very glad and grateful that I told her...............

Nothing more to say.