Basejumper.com - archive

Greetings my family,

I know it’s been a while since you’ve seen me on the circuit. I assure you the time hasn’t been wasted.

For those who don’t know me, I’m Bacongrease, aka Chris Harvey, an Idaho yocal. I have Chronic PTSD - comes out in DSM VI. I’m a career military dude, special operator type once upon a time, who took to BASE because it called to me – I don’t really have an explanation or any regrets. I’d give you my resume, but trauma is trauma and I don’t want Barstow or Peabody or Pelletier or ScottyBob or “insert former action guy” to bust my balls for being a pussy. X-D

About three years ago, my wife – the lovely and talented Miss Blondie, asked me to go talk to someone about my moods. She said I got shitty after the last deployment. Psssssh. I’m a Mustang, we don’t PTSD. But, I would do anything for her, so I went.

I sat down in the chair. “I have a near-perfect life, why am I miserable every day?”

So funny journey PTSD. Fucking took down a lion. Hard.

Shit kinda came to a head last September-ish. The feelings of paranoia, frustration, fear, and general mental noise that accompanies PTSD had beaten me down to nothing. I was snapping at colleagues, losing my shit on a dime, and understood that I couldn’t control it. Why was everyone I was surrounded with suddenly becoming so stupid? Newsflash: It’s not them, It’s me.

Self-medication hit overdrive but you know the deal - I had it under control. (That’s the cute part where I act like I was in control of jack shit.)

I asked for real help. I underlined this because it was the single most difficult thing I’ve ever done. Everyone says they’re proud of you – which is nice – but rock fucking bottom when it happens. Been telling my Marines and Soldiers to suck it up for years. Karma is a motherfucker.

Ended up in a very special hospital in Salt Lake to learn how to deal with my fantastic disorder. Worst and best 5 weeks of my life. Been through CPT, CBT, Schema therapy, EMDR, and a partridge in a pear tree. Oh, and meds. SO many meds. Learned the tools to love myself and enjoy the human experience in the moment. It’s very very difficult to accomplish in practice, but I’m learning.

It saved my life. And I’m finally retiring from service this year. The DoD has determined that I left it all on the field and the locker room calls my name.

I write this out of humility and vulnerability to reach anyone like me. I’m a fairly tough cat. Some would call me a big tough motherfucker, some a badass. Well I can assure you, this horrible “thing” brought me down like a tsumami. I went from well, Harvey, to an angry, scared, confused, frozen shell of my former self hiding behind my familiar protector – Blondie. (She wagged her finger and brow beat a one-star this week - that's Blondie.)

I was about to assume the OPS slot for an Armor Brigade and promote to Lieutenant Colonel. Now I’m being medically retired. It’s surreal. But I’m warming to the idea quickly.

I'm confused a lot. I forget things. I stop mid-sentence to ask what we were just talking about. It's very scary. Like it's humiliating to admit how much. But the professionals say it gets better. I require lifelong maintenance therapy. They ripped out my wiring harness and it'll be a while to rewire. Did I mention I'm suddenly scared of everything? It's fucking exhausting.

So we’re going to sell everything and hit the road living off retirement and disability. Find quiet and peace. Like, ya know, Mineral Bottom in November. Channel our inner Jimmy and Marta. Shit that makes us happy.

There are a bunch of us out there - former action guys who don't even know why they're anxious all the time. Many in our sport. For the love of whatever you hold dear, please reach out. To anyone. You can NOT do it alone.

When the noise gets too loud, please get help. The therapy WORKS.

AMA baby - I'm not hiding this journey. It humbled me and continues to frighten me daily, but it tastes better than a pistol in the mouth. I assure you.

Cheers,

- Harvey

What a story, wish you the best! Get better, have fun!

PM sent

Thanks for posting.

Your story helps people understand PTSD better.

Glad the help you got worked or is working.

Hope your journey into the civilian work sector is rewarding and challenging in a good way.

Travis

Thanks buddy. I had no idea. And I was in leadership.

I have some catching up to do regarding education of the masses - A cross I bear very willingly.

Well done, I can only imagine how tough that was. I have learnt a little bit about how tough life is for people affected by PTSD, particularly before they have sought help. Many people don't appreciate the toll serving in the military can take on those people and their families - especially when the wounds aren't visible. Hope you are doing OK, and thanks for posting.

The man is back.

Meh...What's the worst that could happen bruff?

Have you tried any hallucinogenics?

Not trying to take the piss, it is a serious question.

The OP was mid therapy. Because I trust my people. Thank you for that.

As penance, and because I like being perfect, I made a candid video about my PTSD. Watch. Share. Think.

Love each other.

https://youtu.be/PH39Gc_Dcds?t=51

Yo man! I haven't gotten on here very often lately, but thanks for everything you've said. I hope things have been treating you well.

And you're right, for a loonnnnnngggg time it's been taught to suppress the thoughts, moods, etc. But what we really need is to do what we've been trained to do - attack it head on. Finding the therapy, the medication, the peace - whatever it is, we have to use it to attack those demons. And letting our Soldiers know the same.

I hope things are well, and I have to shoot up to Idaho when this madness is over, hopefully we can catch up!

Absolutely! I'll be down in Twinkie Flats in a couple weeks death camping a buddy from 10SFG. If you're around - come do some double twisty flat and stables with the old farts.