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Top US commander makes impassioned plea for quality troops, from non-shithole bases

KABUL, Afghanistan - Army General John Nicholson, the top U.S. Commander in Afghanistan, made a compelling, passionate appeal to Congress today, begging the nation's leaders for higher quality troops. Only the best, for our Stars and Stripes. Not shitty troops, from shithole American bases.

"To defeat terrorists worldwide, we need top quality people. And quality soldiers come from quality places," testified Nicholson, "like, Fort Carson, Colorado. Just look at how beautiful it is there. Talk about quality of life, not to mention the recreation opportunities there-- it's outstanding!"

Soldiers from shitholes, such as Ft. Polk, LA, need not apply for Nicholson's operations. "Lets face it, Fort Polk is a shithole. Nothing good comes out of there."

"Can I please, please, get some more soldiers from Joint Base Lewis? The scenery is beautiful, the streets are clean, and the air quality is amazing. So close to the Cascades," Nicholson literally begged Congress, on his knees before the Armed Forces Committee. "And, right next door to a hip, young city. Instead, I just got another 500 soldiers from Fort Irwin. What the fuck am I supposed to do with them? Shovel latrines? That's all they know how to do, because that's all you can train them to do in a shithole."

U.S. Senior Marine commander in Helmand Province, Brig. Gen. Roger Turner, echoed Nicholson's sentiments, after the testimony.

"We didn't turn the tide in Helmand with shitty Marines from shithole bases. We got some Marines from Camp Lejeune, and we just send them packing right back home. It's the Marines from nice places, like Miramar, Kaneohe, and Stuttgart, that carried the fight," explained Turner. "You win wars not with quality weapons, but with quality troops."

Turner expanded further, identifying that shitty Marines from shithole bases has been a problem for most of the existence of the Corps. "How about some more units from, oh, I don't know, Austin, Texas? Or San Francisco, I mean in the nice part of the city. I'm not talking the Tenderloin district. Or fags. Otherwise, it's a nice city."

"It's really a national security thing," he continued. Turner concluded, "President Trump, our Commander-in-Chief, has made it abundantly clear that people from shithole places are not fit to participate in America, let alone in her Armed Forces. We are merely acting upon his official guidance."

Army psychiatrist, Lt Col Steve Parsimmons, stationed at the Pentagon, offered medical validation of the leadership's new doctrine. "You can't be a good person, if you're from a bad place. It just goes against nature," he explained. The most competitive soldiers, he said, tend to migrate in droves to the best living locations. He noted that his residence is in Waldorf, Maryland, #18 on USA Today's list of top places to live, and therefore he was probably a great psychiatrist.

Perhaps predictably, some base commanders expressed disappointment in the leadership's choice of words. Army Maj. Gen. Pat White, commander of Fort Bliss, near El Paso, held a brief press conference following news of Nicholson's statements: "Look, we know it's called 'Hell Paso' for a reason. But these are quality soldiers here. They train hard. They fight hard." White continued, shaking visibly, "Now I follow the chain of command, so I can only say so much. But my soldiers inspire fear in the enemy, and they can defend our nation. The Taliban looks at my boys and says, 'We may live in a cave, but at least we don't live in that shithole they come from. They must be tough motherfuckers.'"