True Stories of the WV State Police!
All the talk about about bridge day and the staties' sorry-ass attitudes got me thinking. Many years ago, long before I was BASE jumping, I got a chance to work with a West Virginia State Trooper. So that he doesn't track me down and kick my ass, lets call him, "DJ." :)
DJ was a great fellow and we all loved him. He was about 6 foot 8, at least 250 lbs and built like a brick shithouse. He was with us, taking leave from his trooper job, a job which, apparently, gave him free reign to do Whatever The Fuck He Wanted in the great state of West Virginia.
The stories of banging slutty chicks in the back of the cruiser never got old. Apparently there are as many dirty whores in that state as there are molecules of water in the New River. One night he and some of his on-duty brethren picked up some sluts at a bar, and went and got a hotel room. "Trooper discount" prices applied to the room rate, of course. But there was only one room. So they all piled in and did a gang bang. One trooper was in charge of calling out, "ROTATE!" every 2 minutes.
Trading a roadside blowie for a disappearing traffic citation was standard practice if you had big boobs and mismatched chromosomes.
DJ had one particular partner, we'll call him Cletus. That's not his real name either, but his real name was even more fucking redneck than that. DJ and Cletus got called out to a trailer park where a suicidal lady was holding a gun to her head and threatening to shoot anyone who came close. Once on scene, they couldn't get close to her, for their own safety. But they couldn't leave, because she was a danger to herself and everyone around. It was a stalemate.
After 7 hours of this, Cletus gets on the megaphone: "Now look here, goddamit. I'm tired of this bullshit. You either put that gun down and come along with us, or go in your trailer and get this over with!" The lady scowls, goes inside, and the next thing they hear was BANG! Cletus turns to DJ and says, "oh shit, don't tell no one I said that!"
DJ said the state confiscated a hot little sportscar from a drug dealer. The case never went to trial, but they kept the car, and drove the shit out of it until the tranny was about to fall out of the bottom. Then they sold it at a state auction when they got bored of it.
DJ was a sucker for honesty. He pulled a redneck over at 5 am one day, and the guy was terrified. "Trooper, I gotta fess up. This ain't my car, I had a few too many to drink, and, well shit, I don't even have a license no more." DJ said he laughed and let the guy off with a warning.
He said there is a tradition in trooper-friendly bars in WV to have a 10-penny nail on the wall by the entrance door, so a trooper can hang his "Smokey" hat on it when he comes in. It started when one place that always had this, pulled out its nail during a renovation. Next day when the trooper came in and tried to hang his hat where the nail was, it fell to the floor and he got furious and kicked the shit out of everyone in the bar when they laughed at him.
DJ at some point did some work with the state's child exploitation and pedophile-tracking crime unit. He said every single rumor about inbreeding in WV is true. Every single one of em.
DJ was hilarious, and one of the awesomest dudes I could have worked with. But from the that day forth that I met him, I swore never, ever, to break the law in West Virginia. (I might make an exception for BASE, though)
Share your West Verginny trooper stories... I know there are some out there!
